If you would be so inclined, I would like for you to take a moment, remove yourself from your sicking reality, and imagine what your own personal version of complete relaxation and utter paradise would be like. I bet you are in the Caribbean or on some island somewhere, aren't you? Is your wife or girlfriend there with you? Or are you being waited on, hand and foot, all day long -- like a god damn sultan -- by aspiring Eastern European models, who, by the way, you also get to fuck the stuffing out of day and night at your leisure? Are you also envisioning a scenario that when you get sick of fucking the smoking-hot broad that you could trade her in -- like a used car -- for a new model? I hope you are. I have never had the privilege of going to a Viking's Exotic Resort (it runs about $7,000 for the week), but according to what I have read on their website, this is the brand of bliss they offer.
2. Vegas
Sin City, you've heard about it, and it is everything you could possibly imagine it to be: Hookers, booze, gambling, and just about every other un-pure thing you'd want to find. Vegas is what you make of it, so go with a group of guys who all want to party frivolously. Another good idea is to go when pools are open and be sure to spend a few days acting like a buffoon poolside at the Hard Rock. If you want to see complete insanity go during a holiday weekend like Memorial Day.
3. The Dominican Republic via DR Nights Resort
This place is eerily similar to Viking's Exotic Resort but it's on a much smaller and affordable scale. This is also the last exotic resort on the list because, let's face it, if you can't get laid outside of the U.S. (without paying for it), then you're softer than a newborn's head. I actually am more drawn to DR than I was to Viking's because they boast a Golf and Sex package: five days and four nights of island golfing and island fucking all for the measly price of $5,000. Drag three buddies along to make it a golf weekend none of you will forget. If you need more convincing, go here for their Top 10 reasons why you should check out DR Nights.
4. Dubai
This fabricated wonderland, which is now in economic disarray because of its abrupt growth and inept accounting, is home to the most unique man-made attractions in the entire world. With islands in the shape of a palm tree, another set in the shape of the globe, the world's tallest building, the world's only seven-star (yes, seven) hotel, and the largest indoor skiing facility in the world, it is no wonder why Dubai seems like a legit destination to see at least once in your lifetime. Just take note that this might not be the type of trip where you come back with stories about fucking a ton of chicks because there is a disgusting 4-to-1 male-to-female ratio.
5. Oktoberfest, Germany
Germany is home to over 800 unique breweries and plenty of women who will swoon over you because of your American accent. Unlike a lot of other countries, Germans, especially the women, are very welcoming to Americans. It was also surprising to me that a large number of them speak flawless English. For example, while traveling for work in Germany, I met this broad who was working at the mall next to my hotel; she spoke English without an accent and she claimed to have never set foot on U.S. soil. When I asked her how that was fucking possible, she said that she grew up watching MTV. Carson Daly taught her how to speak English while Madonna taught her how to be a whore.
6. Sayulita, Mexico
This made the list because it is a great destination for those guys who not only like to party but also like to casually ride waves and women while they are on vacation. Sayulita is by no means considered the Mecca of surfing or the number-one surfing destination in the world but it is only 30 away from Puerto Vallarta and it is also one of the chillest places for the casual surfer to go. That said, if you are looking for insane swells or the opportunity to get mauled by coral if your shit at surfing, head to Jeffery's Bay, South Africa, or North Shore in Oahu.
7. St Tropez
Normally I say fuck anything that has to do France -- I don't even eat baguettes -- but when the likes of Jack Nicholson, Robert DeNiro, Sean Combs, Sly Stallone, and a bevy of other famous people own property in this tiny town on the French Riviera, something has to give. It must be crawling with pussy. When a city's main economic resource is tourism, it has to be a pretty chill destination. Even for those of us who still eat "freedom fries."
8. Rio De Janeiro, Brazil
I have never been down to Rio but a good friend of our site, and author of "Around the World in 80 Lays," Joe Diamond has, so naturally I asked him to give us a few words on this destination. From its beaches to its business district, Rio de Janeiro is one huge legal brothel. Garotas de programa ("program girls," Brazilian slang for prostitutes) are everywhere. Looks-wise they're on a par with hot strippers or top porn stars in the States. Think of it as a Playboy Mansion where you don't have to be rich or famous to sleep with gorgeous girls. If paying for pussy's not your thing, you'll find plenty of non-pros tanning on the sands of Copacabana or shaking their beautiful bundas in the nightclubs of Ipanema.
9. Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain
Have a hankering for danger? Want to show off your bravado by possibly getting sodomized by a bull? Head to Spain from July 7 to July 14 with a couple pals for the running of the bulls. To participate, however, you must not incite the bulls or be under the influence of alcohol. We'll assume the influence of cocaine or hallucinogens is O.K.
10. Pink Palace in Corfu, Greece
I know I said we wouldn't do any spring break locations but one of the Greek Islands is an exception because most people never even consider it. AZ is our resident world traveler and he is the one who suggested this place. They have weekly toga parties, booze cruises that include 70 ft.-high cliff jumping (clearly a "safety first" establishment), four-wheeler excursions, and an on-site night club. The best part, the room fees top out at 55 Euros per night.
